Let me begin by saying that this has been a long weekend. I went from feeling horrible, to feeling great, back to horrible, confused scared and more confused. I had been excited to go down south this weekend to see my brother and his twin boys for their birthday party. Well already on Friday I had a blow out with my mother. Yeah it’s not the first one and it won’t be the last one either. The funny thing is, it was all about a pack of cigarettes.
While I was getting cramps and breathing coffee at my English final my mother found a pack of cigarettes that was in my purse under my bed (she likes to look though my room when I’m out). What followed is all very high school, I came home got yelled and bitched at, she cried etc, you all get the picture. Except I’m not in high school, I’m 19. I didn’t break any laws. And normally I wouldn’t be so upset about this; I mean I get in trouble for putting the wrong sock on. But I’d just had a crappy week, and some of the things that were said were pretty hurtful. All because I had a few cigarettes at a party almost 3 months ago. I won’t be going into everything that was said, but I’ll sum up
First, how could I do something like this to them, after everything that’s been given to me. What I’ve done is unforgivable. I can never be trusted again. I’ll never get a dime from them again. She also threatened to kick me out. If that happens I’ll have to drop out of school again and get a full time job. I’ve also destroyed my father because he had never imagined that I could do something like this. He won’t be able to talk about it for a while, and he’ll never get over this or look at me the same way again. Keep in mind that he has smoked for most of his life (quit some years ago). This are all her words, not mine. And after hearing all of this and more I couldn’t even open my mouth before she cried, yelled and started over again. What I have to say doesn’t really matter.
After we have these fights, she always goes back to pretending everything is fine and I’m never allowed to speak up, just listen. So during the weekend she has been on my back all day blaming me for everything from spilled milk to rush hour traffic. It has been exhausting and today I was finally able to get my mind of it, had no intentions of even blogging about it. But the crying and the bitching started again a few hours ago. Am I really supposed to feel that guilty?
Although I think that what I did wasn’t that bad, no matter how bad it was or wasn’t. People do make mistakes, we can’t always be perfect. But just tell me that I’m wrong and I will listen. But saying that I am a horrible daughter and unforgivable just makes me wanna go out and do worse. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.
This has been long, and written kinda fast. So it will be filled with typos and lack of structure. But I just needed to vent. I’m still scared about school, if I have to drop out or not, but we’ll see where this goes.