Thursday, December 9, 2010

Doll Face

Tonight I won’t be quoting any great writers or give any words of wisdom. Tonight the only thoughts in my head are the ones I have on my own and can’t get rid of no matter how hard I tried. As I’ve mentioned before, right now I’m living a plastic life behind an ugly mask. All these are driving me mad and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

Today I woke up at five thirty having to force myself out of bed, but seeing as I’ve already missed classes two days this week and my attendance is six feet under so staying in bed wasn’t really an option.  A good thing to since my law 101 final was today, which turned out to be surprisingly not so hard considering I couldn’t get my mind to concentrate enough to read two pages last night. But here’s the thing about skipping classes. Once you skip one, it leads to two which then leads to three and before you know it you’ve been in bed listening to your own breathing for a week, pathetic I know. And then once you decide to come back you start to panic, will people ask questions on why you were gone, will professors look down on you, do people talk about you behind your back or stare at you when you walk across campus. And how do you excuse your absence. Don’t forget all the work you have to catch up on because your little hiatus. Eventually you get so sick to your stomach that just the thought of stepping foot in a lecture hall makes you fall face down on the ground and you end up taking another day off.

That’s where I am today; I’ve missed two days which isn’t that bad. I did go today but I only had one class. I have two chapters to read and an assignment for political science but my mind focus on anything other than having to walk in those doors less than twelve hours from now. Since getting home today I’ve panicked, cried, shouted, you name it. It’s an ongoing fight with my head and I’m losing. But then someone enters the room and it’s time to put a smile on that doll face like your Mary Poppins on crack. I bite my lip and wait for the second I can lock myself up in my room and stay in my humble isolation. This can be a good thing, but also bad. Once my body knows it doesn’t have to keep things in all the thoughts and tears come back quicker than you can wish it gone. I forget all about my assignments, where I am or what time it is. Then a shooting pain comes in my chest and I lie down and sometimes cry. After that I feeling of numbness arrive and take over until I’m frozen with this emptiness where I lose complete touch with reality. This can last anywhere from ten minutes to an hour or two.

Once I snap out of I feel tired enough to sleep for a year and all the emotions come back. Sometimes I try to get my work done, other times I don’t even bother. It always ends up the same anyway, I never get it done, I just sit quietly keeping myself company while my thoughts float out before me. Once it’s late enough I get ready for bed and toss around for hours before I fall asleep. But to be honest, I don’t want to fall asleep a minute faster. In fact, I use all my energy to stay up as long as I can, because once I close my eyes it’s decided. I have to wake up again.

1 comment:

  1. Your post below is something I can relate to very deeply. I've been where you are, and I often find myself back in that place from time to time. It's exhausting to walk through life wearing a mask, putting up a facade of this strong-willed, ambitious person, yet falling apart on the inside.

    I don't mean to offer unwanted advice, it's just I can relate to your words so much right now, I have to say something. You will eventually tire of the duality of your role in life, and holes will start to form in your tough exterior, the eventual result is you breaking down. I know, because this is what happened to me, I finally broke down into a million pieces when I couldn't take it anymore (it was a mess), and when this happened, I had no choice but to let someone in, to let them know that I was falling apart. Your situation may not be the same as mine, but it might help to do this before you reach your breaking point because sometimes, asking for that little bit of help, that support, is the best thing you can do. It's ok to let people help you find your way back and it's ok to take off your mask. It's something I've come to realize very recently.

    I look forward to reading more of your blog, you are a lovely writer and artist. :)