Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Square One

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel

I like this quote, because it pretty much explains where I am in my life at the moment. I’m back in school and pushing this doll face counting down the days until Christmas break. But it’s only a matter of time before I screw it all over again. Knowing the events of last year might make this easier to understand, but it’s not really something I can put in one paragraph, so I might make an entry about it later. 

To stay on topic, I am almost done with finals but my attendance has gotten really bad. I’ve now lasted one month longer than last year but I honestly feel like a ticking bomb waiting to spiral down again. I’m so sick of the fake pretences, and the how great this year was gonna be statements. I did was I was supposed to. I enrolled back in school, I’m taking extra classes to make up, I volunteer. But who am I kidding. I look back at myself and I am right where I was a year ago. The feelings haven’t gone away, the days are not better and performance at school is still going down. The only thing that’s different is that this time nobody knows. At my old school I was contacted by the councilor with concerns and I was made to get help. But I refused and ended up dropping out and od’ing, which is a whole other story.

Here nobody knows, nobody asks. It’s easier in a way, I don’t have to make up answers or worry about what to say when I open up. The only one that bothers me with concerns is my best friend, but she’s away at school across the country. So now, it’s pretty plain how my days go. Even if I am screwing up my academic career, I am stuck where I am at the moment. No motivation, no interest, no hope and no feelings. But as a friend of mine said once, you gotta fake til you make it! I’m not sure how long I’m gonna make it at this point.

1 comment:

  1. Just stumbling by :)
    I know that feeling of deserving an A but getting a C and getting told that actually you deserve more in the same breath.
    Hold on, it'll be over soon.
    Wishing you well.