Saturday, January 15, 2011

Call your doctor

So allot has happened over christmas for me and I haven't gotten around to posting about it here. To be honest I had all the time in the world, but i hit a low point where i just layed in bed all day and slept up to 16 hours a day. So beforeI update on my current situation I thought I'd go back a little bit. Here's something I wrote after new years but never published on my blog.

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I really don't know how to start here and i don't wanna write to much, but theres just allo i'm unsure about. Like when do you seek help for depression? And how do you do it?

to sum up my story, a little over a year ago i was 18 in school and struggling really bad. I always started every school year doing good academic wise no matter how bad i was feeling but then within weeks i would get so depressed that i'd get through the year just barely. However around november 09 it had gotten so bad that i couldn't even leave my bed for weeks (told the school i had swine flu). I was failing half my classes, so the guidence counclir took me in for a meating which then led to her making appointments with the school therapist etc. The therapist was on seek leave due to swine flu so within a week i was back in bed. parents go involved, lots of yeling and screaming and i od'd a few days later.

After that i had to drop out of school, saw my doctor because of the whole situation and after christmas he set me up with the psychatric outpatient clinic for kids, when i got there they sent me back home because i was 18 (they treath kids under 18). About a month later he had my files sent over to the outpatien clinic for adults. He told me theres a waiting period and offered some antidepressants. At the time i was in shock and a little overwhelmed so i didn't say anything, he sent me into the lag for some blood work, i cried infront of the nurse and went back home. This was around feb/march.

So the thing is, after that i've had no follow ups with my doctor or the clinic. I got a job, went back to school in the fall and lasted a little longer this time. But now i'm right back where i was. I barely made it through my classes before christmas. And over christmas break i had a big breakdown, stayed in bed for 3 days without eating, didn't get any school work done. So when school started this week i was so scared and panicked that i just stayed in bed, which then led to 2 days, 3 days. I know i've screwed my school again. But i can't seem to leave the house. I'm constantly scared or panicked which is getting really overwhelming. When the phone rings, or i hear someone comming, when i check my e-mail, when someone tries to talk to me etc. Simple things make me loose my breathe.

I've spent over a year waiting for a follow up, and i keep wanting to go see a doctor but i always chicken out because i'm constantly scared of everything. My parents keep asking me if i'm showing up for my classes and i'm running out of time before someone will contact them. I don't even know if i have a reason to see a doctor, or what to tell them when i call in. I called a crisis line but the woman who answered was a little cranky and noe help.

I'm sorry, wasn't suposed to write i whole damn essay here just had allot to sum up. so i guess my question is, how i tell my parents about school and if and how i call a doctor, i keep wanting but chicken out everytime as i don't know what to tell them.


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