Thursday, May 26, 2011

I have a little rant to come with as I really dunno what I can do anymore. I don't really want to go into all the details, but basically I got some bad news this week and I'm in the middle of some problems right now. Because of this I've had massive anxiety and little sleep. Nights have been filled with, well episodes? I don't wanna go as far as calling it manic since I'm not bipolar, but they are deffinatly NOT pleasent.

I have finals next week, but part of the bad news is a letter I got from the school saying that I was "disqualified" from one of my finals. I'm failing the class so they aren't letting me take the final exam. I'm pretty much failing out of school period which I have accepted (tbh I don't give a damn). But my parents wont, which is why I'm so anxious. I dropped out last year which almost made my mom divorce my dad (in her words, my games were manipulating the family against her). Last time they witnessed one of my anxiety attacks was at my midterms when they thought I was faking it, and said if I kept this going I would be on. This is part of why my anxiety has been so bad. I'm terrified of what this will do to them. Everyday they ask me about finals and job interviews, but they've never asked me about therapy or of I'm making progress on my health.

I finally got the courage to call the mental health place to get my session pushed forward, but my therapist wasn't in that day and they can't make appointments withouth her. They said I could try again the next day, which I did this morning. She was there but in a meeting or something so they were gonna get back to me. After hours of waiting I finally pulled myself to call back again, which I'm assuming was to late cause nobody picked up so they were closed (I would assume). I was hoping to get in tomorrow so I could have all this sorted out before the weekend.

I have extreme anxiety about calling in there on short notice and just having to talk on the phone with someone out of my comfort zone. So all of this is just making me look like a desperate idiot for sitting at home waiting all day. But my nights are filled with anxiety and mania? I feel week cause I've barely eaten since I either feel sick or don't have an apetite. Every part of my body aches, I've cut down on coffee to slow down my heart rate but really. I'm starting to get frustrated. And well I'm running out of ideas here.

I'm sorry, I did not intend to make this so long. But I just really needed to get this off my chest.

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