Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm not a poster child, so what?

I mentioned in my previous entry that I have been in therapy for the past few months now, which is still something that I am trying to get used to. So I thought I’d give a little brief summary from someone just starting out as a “mental health patient”.

Although It’s been a little over 2 months now, I’m still very new as I’ve had to cancel quite a few time due to s funeral, exams and one last minute cancel because I was stranded at a bus stop (story for another time). Whenever I did cancel it would take a few weeks before I got back in, and I’ve never been the one to ask for more. This is probably because I’m still trying to accept the fact that I need it. But the way things are now, I am not going to do anything unless someone push it on me, like ask for more session, or calling in during a crisis. I deal with things alone.

It’s now been over a month since I talked to anyone about this which has thrown me completely of track. The reason was the stranded at the bus stop fiasco, and I didn’t get a reschedule until a month later, which was last Friday. First I was upset, that I would have to wait that long, but then I got used to waiting a little too much. So when the day came I was too freaked out and couldn’t get out of bed. Skipping that appointment was surprisingly easy. It wasn’t until the next day that I was freaking out again.

I have now gotten a new letter in the mail about an appointment this coming Friday. If I choose not to go, that will be it. I will be discharged from they’re services and I get to go on with my life as if this whole therapy phase never happened. This is extremely tempting to me as I’ve wanted to just drop the whole thing. It’s the easier way but also the coward way. I feel worse than I did before I got help, but apparently it gets worse before it gets better. But also, for things to get better I have to fully accept that I do in fact need help, which means the people around me has to accept it to.

I don’t like to claim that I have depression or anxiety, my therapist told me that, but it’s still hard to wrap my mind around it. And maybe I need to hear it from more people, like my own family. But this whole experience has just been a don’t ask don’t tell policy. The only people that know I see a therapist are my parents and my best friend. My parents have never asked me about it, never asked who my therapist is, when my next session is etc. Nobody makes sure I go to my session nobody asked me what she is like. In fact I don’t think they even know she diagnosed me. As far as anxiety and anxiety attacks go, my mother thinks I’m faking it, and I’m not really sick. And so I start to wonder about that myself. Maybe I’m not sick, maybe I am being childish. And that is why I struggle so hard to open up with my therapist. How am I supposed to tell a stranger when I can’t even tell my own parents? Why is this something that I have to hide? Why do I have to feel ashamed about this? If I do in fact have problems, I am ok with that. At least then I would know why I feel the way that I feel, or why I do the things that I do.

And that is why I dread each session so much. By not knowing I play it safe. But if I let my guards down, than she might see me as a fake and a poser, like my parents do. And I just can’t take that rejection. I don’t know maybe I just need to hear from someone that I did the right thing by accepting help. Maybe all I need is for my parents to say, hey you have a problem, but that’s ok. You need to get help. But the fact is that I have an easy way out here. I can stay home on Friday and, no one would notice, no one would care. The pressure would be off.

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