Sunday, May 8, 2011

A letter to an old friend

I remember when we met; you were such a cocky little prick. Your humor consisted of verbal pornography and controversial language. To those who didn’t know you better, it might have seemed like you thought you were above them, or that you were simply just a player. The truth is you never were anyone of those things. You just knew how to have fun; you would light up a room and make everyone feel ten points happier just buy being there. You were kind to everyone, even those who didn’t deserve it. We became such good friends in such a short time. We shared jokes and stories that only made sense to us. You were always there for me and I was there for you. But then you moved away and slowly we lost touch with each other. I no longer heard from you. It was like you had vanished from earth.

Imagine my happiness when you one fine day months later sent me an e-mail. You told me I was your best friend, and you couldn’t go any longer without letting me back into your life. I couldn’t believe you were back, talking to me, laughing with me, making inappropriate jokes and making fun of me. It was then you saw my darker side, the one I always had, but the one that also grew when you were gone. Things had happened and I didn’t have my friend there to confide in. So you listened, you gave a shoulder to cry on, you told me what I needed to hear. You told me I was sick, you told me I needed help. Then you told me about your own struggles and how you had worked on them. That’s when you told me to get help. I didn’t want to believe you, I didn’t deserve help. I wasn’t sick, I was just a failure. But you didn’t see that, you saw a side of me that I was never able to, a side only a true friend can see. You begged me to get help, but I didn’t listen.

Our friendship grew stronger. We both were miserable, but miserable together. We were living far apart, with only an e-mail or instant messaging to keep us together. Eventually I started to believe you, I needed help, and I wanted help. So I asked for help, but I got rejected. That’s when you offered your shoulder to me again. I told you more than I told anyone else, and you said I was the only one that fully got you. I was the one person you missed. I wasn’t getting help at home, but I was getting help from my friend.

So what happened? You became distant, left again. You told me you wanted to stay in touch, so I e-mailed you. I told you about my life, but you never answered. Why did you stop writing back? Why didn’t you say goodbye? I wrote you another one, and then again for Christmas. I wanted to wish you joy and happiness. Then on new years I wrote you my last e-mail. I wasn’t going to keep going, write to a wall, pathetic. Maybe you grew tired of me; maybe I didn’t fit in to your new life.

I still wonder sometimes what your life is like. Do you ever think about me? Or was it that easy to just leave? Were we ever friends? Why did you come back into my life only to leave me again? Do you even remember me at all? Do you care?

Yesterday I made some progress in therapy for the first time since I started going. Oh yeah, I’m in therapy now, I’m trying to get better. That is what you said you wanted for me. For the first time since I started, therapy didn’t feel like the worst thing. I wanted to tell you that, but somehow I don’t think you get my e-mails. You worked hard trying to convince me that I deserved help. Maybe that was it. You felt obligated, guilty. Whatever your motivation, it doesn’t matter. I had my friend, and I am grateful for that. So how am I? I’m not ok, and I won’t be for a while. But I can be, if I’m strong enough. I’ll get through this, just like you said I would. I wonder if you’ll ever see me then. See me when I am free from all of this, free from my problems. Just like I wonder if I’ll ever you again, your happy old self. Wherever you are, I wish you a happy and long life.

You were a great friend, and I’ll never forget that

1 comment:

  1. No control yet you are so eloquent in your response.

    Remember what you gave too. The loss is great for you, greater perhaps; elsewhere.

    Communication - what a vicious cycle. So healing or beautiful yet destructive and saddening too. In your experience seemingly the turning point and denial's worst enemy.

    You are progressive, darling :) X